after seeing these. hope you enjoy!

Advertisements

the christmas blog

12/28/2008

I can’t think of anything to say about Christmas. Haven’t quite reflected yet. But I love to take photos and here are some I did during winter break so far…
l_055c573561db446b8d577092fe8f2e1e2l_702def179f2542a7a9c295aa6c89cd403l_4f2b3073bfd846af8e8e06e0452966804l_757a8e516bdb4612b1138189007b6be24l_89d759001d094ddabd216a0d787262123l_5f06d2a1eb7748a88ba2d78782069e4f2

Sometimes I feel like a super hero. I imagine I could be a hero. Sometimes I am mentioned for my courage and willingness to speak out for the voiceless. Two recent short events come to mind.

 

 

I have an ongoing “joke” with a co-worker about his playa-ness. He’s really not a player just a good looking guy who was a ladies man back in high school. I say, “joke” because he laughs and I’m being dead serious. Although I hardly know his wife on a personal level, I have known their family for years. He has been with his wife for several years and occasionally broke up her to be a playa!

I tease him about it and question his social consciousness and support for the female community and he laughs it off.

At work, he tells me…something along the lines of his wife getting jealous and my name coming up… Say what!? Uh-uh. I ain’t no home wrecking hoochie mama! I’m a feminist.

 

He goes on to say his wife was un-happy about a some text-messaging situation and she said, “where is Kim when I need her”. Oh hell yeah, my head just grew. I could so be a super hero. Watch out playas!

 

The other situation I was in was so freaking’ weird I could seriously write a book about it, but I won’t I am trying to mentally heal.

I am at a birthday party for my step-dad and my mom is completely drunk. It’s a small kick back, meaning a few people getting mega drunk. Four couples and my sister. The homeowner is an ex-marine who voted for McCain and doesn’t like black people? I don’t know? I was informed that I wasn’t allowed to talk about politics, Obama, or the military. Um…okay. Not too hard I guess. Then the N-word starts flying, and I get upset. I am the only one not drinking and I don’t appreciate the racist jokes or the N-word and I am damn proud I voted for Obama! Finally everyone agrees to stop saying the infamous word because I’m filled with rage. My mom jokes, Kim’s here holding it down representing for the black people. Um…okay. I’m a light skinned Chicana who says dude way too much, I am certainly no Eminem, but if that’s my role for the night, I’m down. Shouldn’t we all be holding it down for our black brothers and sisters?

 

Someone should buy me a cape for Christmas!

 

Social Justice Super Woman!

 

It could work?

communist_girl

I thought I would be a famous kick ass feminist poet who never worried about money again with my hybrid and PhD.
Ha.

Being Woman

I
Was created in the act of oppressing women…
A man with a girl only 15
Mothers let your daughters become mothers way too soon
Young housewives…so tired of cleaning
Grandfathers make granddaughters give them a massage
Mija take my shoes off rub my feet
TRAIN THEM EARLY
KEEP TRADITIONS GOING
Abuse so tired of abuse
Looking at holes in the wall punched in by angry men covered with pictures of fake smiles…
Women seeking happiness as all the rest in this place
IM NOT your mother
Im not my mother
So what if I don’t feel like cleaning
Washing dishes
Or peeling potatoes?
And if that means I wont be a good mom then ill do the unthinkable and not have kids
I hear people judging me
Do they think they’re jesus
Im rude
I should wear makeup
I should loose weight
Maybe I oppress food consuming it violently the only thing that doesn’t swing
I can be in control no talking no sex no apologies
When I want what I want all I need just like this world is money$$$
I HATE when people only have time for a two minute conversation and ask how you are doing…fine, nothing…thinking to myself
Do they really want to know?
I don’t care I blurt out
Eviction, corruption, and mutilation of my body, house, neighborhood, relationships…
Life all this stress, oppress, and chores cause im not a man
Well good luck with that as he turns around and starts to walk away
I think walk away..turn away…run away…
As all men do
Men are clams
Women are crowbars
A quote by a god fearing Christian man
Am I a crowbar? Do I pry? Do I go to far? Should I wear makeup?
In the bathroom reading my seventeen,ym,teenbeat,cosmo, feeling schizophrenic
I think to myself thank god for dishwashers I’ll get up and load the dishes, or throw away my magazines
A proud “feminist” who still feels fat ugly and scared of men at the end of the day
And dreams of romance while she’s sleeping

Si se puede?

12/17/2008

I only know a few people who have been successful as far as college goes. The two people who come to mind, both have a mother and father in their life, and knowing both for the years I have I know that they don’t know just how much of a difference it made in their lives. I can not relate to this fortune. I was never anywhere near middle class. My parents then parent could never give me any kind of financial support or secure stability like a home. I should have graduated U of A in May 2007 then went on for another year to get Teaching credentials. I took one class this semester and I just don’t see it going anywhere. Working, being a mom, how will I ever go to school full time? How can I take out loans for school?, when I don’t have a license, when sometimes I hardly have food? I’m realistic about living at my means, and college just seems above my means. I remember when I was 19 I was so sure about college and my life ahead of me. Now as I have gotten older, I am not wiser. I am not brave. I thought at 24 after having a child I could rule the world, but I been feeling so hopeless. Maybe I am just meant to be a mom. Maybe I am just not meant to ever feel secure. All these years I been pushing myself for la raza. Maybe I need to push myself for myself. I just don’t know what I want to do, except love her. That’s one thing I am sorta great at.

Sometimes I get in these jealous, angry moods and I just want to find a good job and struggle at life like a normal fucking person.

She is standing there so damn cute. Standing at the table, playing music, wearing a pony tail, I cant believe how big she is. Last Christmas I thought time flew by. She was almost four months then. Now she’s only 15 months and she acts 15 sometimes. She is so smart and advanced for her age, she says so many words, eats all different foods, she completely has a personality and knows me and her daddy are suckas. 

Rage against the machine… I get.

Rage against the man… I get.

but, Rage against the Mommy? Say what!? Uh… no.

She flips over her leap frog table.

Smacks me in the head.

She points at me and shouts STOP.Little Miss Rude Girl

Rages out like a psycho.

Um… did I miss your quinceañera?

Where did she get her attitude from? Surely not me!

Back to school

back to school

to show my mom Im not a fool

I went back to school this semester

Im working on a paper for my art history class about my relationship to change…

hmmm…

AAAAAHHHHH! I could write a book… heres a little of what I have:

I am an organized anarchist, I believe in my own authority and the authority of others who historically have been denied the right and privilege to be known for their wealth of knowledge and capability to make decisions for their community.

I have an immense amount of love, genuine love for Tucson; however I am an iconoclastic agitator of all minds alike.

Destroyer of beliefs might seem a bit dramatic and of ill intent but it is actually my form of loving, because most common beliefs are harmful to more than two-thirds the worlds population including myself. 

Shopping at walmart

12/09/2008

I feel completely evil. I rationalize, point fingers, make excuses, and use my daughter as my fall back.

 

I hope I don’t need to explain to you why but if I do here:  Corporate Greed, Capitalism, Worker Abuse, and Cheap product.

 

The high cost of low price 

 

But for impoverished families, there is little choice. I can buy groceries for my family that could last a week at a whole foods store with a months work of budgeted grocery money or I can buy a whole months worth and know my family will always have something to eat. It sucks. 

More on this later… “(

There are four blogs I read regularly and one that I watch? that have inspired. Loteria Chicana, Stuff White People Like, Punk Rock Parents, Pear Mama and ill doctrine(the video blog). I like to write and talk when I feel its important. I recently went back to school and I am working on a story about my relationship to change, through this I have started somewhat a journal, writing random stuff, thinking about how cheesy it is to write about your self but how important it is to document life and stories so they can be shared later. Hey, if you can’t laugh at yourself sometimes, you got a killer stick up your butt. My first blog is something I wrote a while back that I really liked… I dont really know how to get readers? So hopefully it just sorta happens. I’m lagging in the school area of my life so this is a way for me to write and share and be heard since I cant just get a PhD for being awesome. I am a young engaged mama that likes to stay involved with my community and hopefully raise a feminist! I’ll just be sharing whatever is on my mind. 

P.S.

I voted for Obama so if you didnt, you might not like what I write about. “)

Can I only be enraged with myself? It’s a Wednesday; I’m on my way to my sister’s court that is currently incarcerated at County for a traffic violation so I’m feeling violated and more furious than usual. My thoughts are a mess. A few years ago when I was cruising in my stick shift thinking I was the most feminist person I knew I was disgusted when I passed a couple with the “wife”/baby mama sitting in the back seat. Now here I am sitting in the back telling myself “Id rather be compassionate towards my daughter a dependant child than a nazi-fem.” Was I just rationalizing?

 

My daughter has had five earaches in the past eight months that she’s been with us, out of the belly. Each time she gets a prescription for a twice a day for ten days liquid anti-biotic. That’s fifty times. Her father has never given her the medicine. I can list eight months worth of chores that come along with a child that he has lacked to be involved with, but you can imagine: bottle washing, remembering to get wipes at the store and doctors appointments, buying Tylenol, etc.

 

I know its because he’s sexist. We are engaged. He is financially supportive. I love him. But he is sexist. His mom is like the mom on Everybody Loves Raymond. If that doesn’t explain enough Ill just say he is used to being taken care of. She cleaned his room when he was twenty-two. I am sexist too, cause I find myself hating men. I feel like I know they are all exactly like him, and my dad, and my grandpa, and the person who works in advertisement and created that sexist commercial stating normal guys don’t do nice things like give up watching a football game to wash their girlfriends fluffy dog. Cause you know “all guys love football, and all girlfriends are needy and have small puppies.”

 

For sake of privacy, Ill say a friend. A friend I have, his wife was cheating on him. It was a bad ending to a short marriage with two small children. She left him and gave him custody of the children. She rarely sees them. His family is repulsed. They are in complete shock. What kind of mother doesn’t love her children? What kind of person could do this? Well. Men do this all the time. A socially conscious academic acquaintance once told me “90% of men cheat.” So men, they cheat. My grandfather had a whole other family. Big deal. No one talks about it unless they’re drunk. It’s normal. NORMAL. What kind of society are we that when the roles are reversed, we are appalled.

 

There are two things that without I would not be who I am, and that would be devastating. Ethnic Studies and my mom. My mom being the most amazing strong spirited woman I know who in a sense has taught me more about feminism just from watching her be a single mom than any book I could dust off and read in the Women’s Studies section at a yuppie university.

 

With Mother’s Day just passing and SB1108 constantly on my mind, I cant help but be more upset that we don’t even have Gender Studies in our Public Schools in Tucson and across the country. With so many leaders in the community and Raza movement being men, I sometimes feel I am the only make-up protesting, hairy-legged, furious feminist worried about the lucha and legacy of ladies everywhere getting’ no love!

 

Am I just too light skinned to fully comprehend the anxiety and hate caused by racism? Or is the angst and apathy of gender issues “swept under the rug” by MOM’S old broom. Are ATTACKS towards women so much a part of us that we see racism and want to destroy it and see Nana slaving over the stove while Tata is watching TV and cant wait to eat. I’m angry. I couldn’t be angrier.

 

“You know you don’t have to be a woman to be a feminist. You should just fucking be a feminist. Really. & If you’re not a feminist, you should kill yourself. Because like where did you come from? Did you grow out of the ground? We are all here because of women and that’s enough too be feminist.”

 

-Margaret Cho